Regular readers will know that at Somenotions, we are absolutely committed to pushing forward Clinomania criticism. Unlike other blogs, we don't distract ourselves or you with printing our thoughts on unrelated matters, chronicling our romantic misadventures (we totally hooked up at a wedding in Omaha this weekend) or our thoughts on popular culture.
But like most major media outlets, from time to time the federal government requires that we devote a certain amount of attention to public service. Today, we are using this space to fulfill that requirement with the following PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT GO SEE THE MOVIE "OPEN WATER"
It is a stinking pile of fucking horrible garbage. Every single line of dialogue is meaningless and a waste of the human ability to hear and understand words. The main characters are so boring and hateful that we guarantee you will root for the sharks. Which, by the way, are seldom seen, and in the least scary of ways.
We count ourselves as pretty devoted fans of Melanesian children's choir music (with the compilation released as the accompaniment to the "Thin Red Line" soundtrack being perhaps the finest example). So imagine how amazed we were to find that this film totally misused said music - it appears at the most inappropriate times and in the most awful and distracting ways.
The filmmakers insist on these meaningless and gratuitous cuts to non-shark behavior. There's one really dumb shot where you're supposed to be really scared of a jellyfish. The events of the film are totally implausible and stupid. At different times the two characters both accuse each other of "cutting things too close," but neither of them at any time chooses anything except the most dull and uninteresting option.
We're a tad inclined to blame Halpsie - she has a dreadful record of picking films (cf. The Emperor's Club, The Real Cancun). But little Ems is a sweetheart, and to associate her with this film is the highest slander. We feel dreadful that she even had to watch it.
The only scary thing in this movie is thinking about different cruel and alarming ways in which one might harm everyone responsible for this film.
HERE ENDS THE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
